An Experiment

I've always wondered why. I mean, I've never felt depression, per se. Not like it's described. A sinking feeling. A sentiment of absolute helplessness. As if nothing's going right. As if nothing can ever go right. I feel like I always see the silver lining. That there's good in most everyone. And if not good, then at least the potential to be so. I see beauty in God's creation. Don't get me wrong; I'm no poet. But there's something beautiful about seeing snow covered mountains. Or colorful butterflies. Or a child playing with a puppy. Even in my darkest hours. When I dealt with the death of my child, for instance. I still endured. And I never thought about it. How can anyone think about it? Unfathomable. And just completely immoral. I understand that the reference to its immorality stems from my personal belief system. And it's not necessarily my place to impose that belief system. But I also won't pull punches when I think something's wrong. And this is wrong. Suicide is wrong.

Still, I wanted to see why people do it. Granted, I didn't have the same mindset. I was not depressed. I wasn't even sad. Just curious. What is it to look out over a precipice knowing that it will all be over soon? What is it to give away God's most precious gift? What does the person think in that last instant?

I decided to drive from my place in Factoria. I told the wife I'd be back by lunch. Had a bite to eat downtown. And then walked around a bit in Fremont. Stopped by the Lenin statue. Perused a few bookstores. And then I decided to do what I came to do. I proceeded to the Aurora Bridge on foot. Supposedly a bridge with one of the highest suicide rates in the country. Next to the Golden Gate Bridge in San Fran. I looked over the edge and saw Lake Union. I felt a tad woozy. But I needed to complete this experiment. Just to feel what a person might feel. I began to climb the railing. I got my left leg over the rail. And then my right leg.

I slipped.

It's amazing how much you can process the instant before you know you will die.